Spring 2010
Volume 13 Number 1
Three Taboo Words That No Child Should Know
-A Pediatrician's Perspective
Through my years of practice, I have come to believe that there are three words that should not be used around children, because these words serve to reinforce behaviors that can be undesirable. The words are shy, scared and bored. All three are commonly heard in our pediatric off ces, and I would challenge all parents to avoid them at all costs!
"SHY": "Are you going to be shy today?" or "She's acting shy!" are common utterances in the office when we see a two year-old hiding behind a mother's chair. Perhaps she really is shy, but if we ignore the behavior, and calmly coax her out of her shell without giving the behavior a reinforcing term, I would propose that she will be less likely to continue the behavior in the future.
It is normal for infants to have stranger anxiety beginning at six or seven months of age. Many babies cry fearfully when approached by people they don't know well, and each child has a different threshold for this behavior. If, whenever a child cowers in the presence of a stranger, his or her parents give that behavior a word, then the child learns that this word describes the given emotion. As a result, the behavior, and perhaps the feeling, is reinforced, thereby making it possible for the behavior and emotion to persist for more months or years than it might have otherwise. Of course, each child is different and shyness can eventually be a problem for some people as they age, but don't give it a name until it is a problem.
"SCARED": "He's scared of this!" or "he doesn't like to have his ears checked!" As pediatricians approach to check a toddler's ears, he will frequently resist or cry, because he simply does not want a big strange person invading his space and holding him down to stick a probe in his ear. Perhaps it has been painful at some time, but most of the time ear checks are not painful. Or, perhaps he does have some stranger anxiety. If, whenever this ritual is undertaken, a trusted adult gives this behavior the title "scared" then the behavior is again reinforced and there will be ongoing negative feelings about simple ear checks.
When babies are born, they really don't have any fear. They cry for many reasons-hunger, discomfort and any other thing for which they need attention, since this is the only way that they have to communicate.
As they age, they do learn fear eventually, but they continue to cry whenever they are unhappy about anything, and if that behavior is given a word and excess attention, then again, it is reinforced. I would propose that the caretaker calmly reassure the child without using a specif c word to describe the presumed associated emotion.
"BORED": "She's just bored." This can become a very problematic word for children as they age, because it again reinforces behaviors that ay be undesirable, such as f dgetiness in the classroom, or even disruptive behavior. Therefore, I recommend avoiding any statement such as this, particularly in front of your child.
I frequently tell children and their parents who think they are "bored" that if the material at hand is so easy for them that it is boring, then they are lucky to be so smart. I remind them that they need to learn to control their behavior when this happens.
And if you do have a child who isn't being challenged at school, then I would recommend pursuing activities that do challenge and engage your child both inside and out of the classroom. Consider it a good thing that your child doesn't struggle to learn, the way that some children may. Rocket science and brain surgery can be boring sometimes, too! And, there are children who really do struggle to sit still and pay attention, who may even need medication to control these symptoms.
We do these children a disservice by jumping to boredom as an explanation. And at home if a kid is bored because he's not getting the constant stimulation that we have in our multitasking society full of technology and full-time entertainment, then I would propose that there are always chores that can be done to fill the time. It's okay to have periods of time without stimulation and entertainment. It fosters creativity!
Of course, boredom can occur in anybody's life, but I would suggest that we use it way too early in the lives of our children and for some, it can become a good excuse for poor behavior. When we give the school-aged child permission to use this word as a reason for behaving badly, we again reinforce it or give him an excuse. I suggest that this word be off limits.
And so, as we go forth, I hope to hear fewer of these three words around our children in the off ce and elsewhere. As adults we should be calming, reassuring and we should continue to do our best to teach, model and expect good behavior.
-Jane Laco, MD